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From Imperfect Service
One reason for this is my inability to openly discuss my sexual orientation with others. I see this part of me as central to my very being. Because I can’t talk about it, I feel as if I’m constantly hiding a large part of who I am. Even when I want to, it can be hard to find the right language for people to truly understand. While various labels exist, they don’t tell the whole story. I could (and often do!) describe myself as being interested in kink or BDSM or as a masochist, but these terms can mean completely different things to different people.
Other people describe relationships like mine using terms like power exchange or total authority transfer (TAT). I don’t find either of these entirely satisfactory but have not found anything that really fits better yet. Power exchange feels wrong, because it suggests a more equal partnership than our dynamic. I am more drawn to TAT, as what we strive for is a relationship where he has the final say over everything.
I won’t discuss these or any other technical terms in great depth in this book. Firstly, it’s beyond the scope of what I want to cover. Secondly there is already ample literature available on these topics. I will, however, provide references for some of the sources I have found most useful at the end.
The term which resonates with me most is slave. I want to clarify what this word means to me, as it means different things to different people. While I am obviously not a slave in the legal sense, my desire is to get as close to that position as possible. The type of relationship that makes most sense to me is one based upon a form of consensual non consent (CNC). This allows me to give blanket consent to anything that happens. This doesn’t mean that I meekly accept everything that does happen. Sometimes I object fiercely to the plans my master has for me.
When I protest, I still need my master to ignore it. I am using the word need very deliberately here. At times, there is nothing that I want more than for a particular activity stop in the moment it is happening. Occasionally when I am particularly distressed, he does stop. He is not perfect and sometimes this means that he gives me more leeway than I want when I’m struggling.
The best times are when he doesn’t stop. It can take me a while to fully accept it, but as soon as I do, there’s no better feeling. In that moment, I know that I am fully under his control, and that’s what I crave.
For this reason, I’ve never liked using safewords in a BDSM relationship. They simply don’t work for me. I need to know that whatever we do will stop only when my master says that it will, and not before. Anything else feels artificial and false. I know that some people find this approach unsafe, but I don’t believe that it is inherently any more dangerous than play between people who do use safewords.
I’m aware of various frameworks that people use within BDSM play such as SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual), RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink). However, I’m not going to discuss the merits of these protocols in detail in this book.
That being said, we do take steps to minimise the risk of true harm wherever possible, while still accepting that accidents can and do happen. Everything we do is consensual, though, as discussed above this is within the scope of CNC. In that sense, I could argue that we most closely follow the RACK or PRICK protocols. Probably the former, just because I think the latter is an example of trying too hard to make a salacious sounding acronym.
I think though, that most people, including us, find their own ways of ensuring safety and these don’t necessarily fit strictly into an established framework. Perhaps the fact that my master and I know each other so well affects this. Frameworks such as those mentioned above might be far more useful for people who are less familiar with each other. They might have been more beneficial to us at the start of our relationship, but I was resistant to anything of this nature then.
Part of the reason for this reluctance had to do with how I discovered kink. My identity has always been based on that of a Gorean slave, or kajira. I accept that there are philosophical and ethical problems with this lifestyle. For people not familiar with it, the lifestyle is based upon the Gor novels which are a series of thirty eight science fantasy books written by John Norman. They are set on a planet called Gor, which is also described as the Counter-Earth. A central theme of the books is slavery, and a recurring argument is that women are by nature inherently submissive to men.
I discovered these books as a teenager and have continued to read and reread them ever since. A lot of the themes resonated with me, and many still do. In a number of the novels, women enter into slavery consensually. Once they’ve done so, they can’t change their minds. As soon as they have declared themselves slaves, they can never free themselves, and anything can be done to them. This idea has always appealed to me.
There were other reasons why the Gorean lifestyle seemed attractive. It was based on strict rules and rituals, which appealed to me as an autistic person. More trivially, perhaps, the books often talked about fantastic sex and mind-blowing orgasms and who wouldn’t be interested in that?
There are, however, obvious problems with the points of view expressed in these books. These issues mean that I feel uncomfortable wholly endorsing their philosophy. It is clearly offensive to suggest that all women are inherently submissive and cannot attain fulfilment unless they are dominated. While I feel that I was born this way and feel unfulfilled without this, every person is different, and the Gor books don’t account for this at all.
In addition to this, there are parts of the ideology that don’t entirely fit me either. In the books pain is largely only used for correcting slaves. While it is acknowledged that slaves can be aroused by whipping, that is not the goal. The idea is one of discipline and correction. Although a slave can be physically punished in the books, it’s described as a rare occurrence once they are trained. For a long time, I believed that was something that fit with what I wanted.
I gradually began to realise that didn’t entirely work for me. I recognised that I needed regular impact sessions, because I became unsettled if I didn’t have them. I would now describe myself as a submissive masochist. I can and do become aroused by pain, but usually only if it’s inflicted for the ‘right’ reasons. It’s important to me that the person inflicting the pain is doing so for their pleasure. I become most excited when I sense that the other person is getting genuine pleasure from hurting me. I think this is because my primary motivation is to be of service. Whenever I’ve realised that somebody was hurting me for my pleasure rather than theirs, it has immediately reduced my enjoyment.
When I was younger, I used to tell people about this side of me. I had no sense of shame about the things I liked to do. It simply didn’t occur to me that this was something that was best kept hidden. After all I had grown up reading magazines urging me to express my sexual needs and wants.
It wasn’t always a bad thing telling people. Occasionally, I discovered that others had similar sexual interests. That was comforting to me when it happened. It showed me that I wasn’t the only one who had these thoughts, and it made me optimistic for the future.
Gradually, though, I started to become much less open. There were too many times when I said things and received negative reactions. Too many people who didn’t understand and were either embarrassed or disgusted by my frankness. Sometimes it was both. Now, the only person I ever have these sorts of conversations with is my master. Even with him, I can be reluctant to open up after all the bad experiences.
The only partial exception to this is through the internet, mainly through my Fetlife account. Even here, I tend to lurk rather than interact with others. The only way I do interact is by occasionally posting short stories and, even more rarely, joining in group discussions.
Part of the difficulties I experience with communication are due to the fact that I have autism. Autism is defined by the DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) as a disorder characterised by persistent difficulties with social communication and interaction, as well as restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviour that have been present since early childhood.
My difficulties with social interaction and communication have led to a high degree of social anxiety. I think my autism was responsible for me initially being unaware of social boundaries and telling anyone who would listen about my kink-related interests. When I realised what I was doing was making people feel uncomfortable, I went completely the other way and withdrew too far. I think this, too, is symptomatic of the difficulties I have with communication.
I have always been an “all-or-nothing” type of person. Either I can discuss something openly with a person, or I cannot. I have difficulty seeing where acceptable boundaries might lie. I worry about overstepping what is socially acceptable so much that I now reveal almost nothing voluntarily. That’s not to say there aren’t occasional slip-ups.
It's partly due to my autism that I’ve never attended any kink-related events. On the whole, I’m extremely reluctant to attend any social event, because I find them difficult to cope with. The only exception I generally make is going to rock concerts with my master. Even then, I sometimes struggle despite not having to talk to anyone but him. Attending something where I would be expected to converse with others would be very difficult for me.
Another reason is that there are quite limited opportunities to do so in our local area. Even when there are events, we’re often unable to arrange suitable childcare to attend.
I would like to go to an event at some point and meet like-minded people. I do get lonely and would love to talk to others again about my interests surrounding kink.